…Or, how to to have a killer body without killing yourself, or anyone else for that matter.
Prologue, Feb. 14, Valentine’s Day:
You realize you’re single again when men start standing you up. Oh, you’ve realized that a day earlier when you’ve decided to spend Valentine’s Day with your single girlfriends only to be cancelled out later when all of them find dates of their own. You had to, of course, tell the so-so men who’ve been asking you out that you’d want to spend Valentine’s day alone rather than with them (as in “I’d-rather-be-alone-than-be-with-you.”) Note that at this moment you still have 2 servings of self-esteem left since at least one human being asked you out, never mind that he looks more like a car than a man. At the last minute someone says that there’s "a probability" that he can see you on Vday and at 9pm on Vday itself you do realize that well, you never really won the lotto, hence, you’ve never been lucky with probabilities. When Mr. Stand-Upper texts you that he’s too tired and can’t make it, you forgive the guy. In fact, you’re worried sick about him. Vow to take quantitative analysis seriously this time and take remedial lessons on probability calculations. But do decide to join Takeshi Castle soon. You’re in the bag for the Fighting Spirit Award. You ask yourself if you should get hurt in the incident. No, you’ve been stood up several times, no, and the only thing he could hurt is your ego, and no, you don’t have an ego. If you do have one, it had been stepped over by your ex ten million years ago.
Because you realize at this time that there’s nowhere to go but up, you decide to text your ex, who also broke up with you through text in the first place (“Magagalit ka ba kung makikipag-cool off muna ako?”). The day can’t get any worse - so now’s the best time to ask for closure. Because texting seems to be his favorite channel of communication, ask him thru text as well: “Will you ever tell me why you broke up with me?” If he replies with: “I can’t. I hope it’s ok.” – get your snorkling gear – your already floor-level self-esteem has now officially reached below sea level.
Now you have a perfectly good reason to sulk. So sulk. Cry in bed. You’re prolly sleepy anyway. You realize you’re an insomniac and you can’t just cry yourself to sleep. Now stop crying. You’re a big girl now. And we all die anyway.
When all else fails, blame it on your period.
Day 1, Feb. 15
Today is officially lack of self esteem day. You can’t eat anything. Text your ex about it. He should be feeling guilty by now.
Breakfast: 1 slice of wheat bread, 1 demitasse of Moreishi slimming coffee
Lunch: Sky Flakes (1 pack only)
Dinner: Pancit Canton, and 4 pcs. Flat Tops
Current weight: 112.5 lbs.
Day 2, Feb. 16
Because you’ve also inherited your dad’s ability to make any obstacle as an opportunity, you realize that this sad, sad situation should be taken at a different light. Everyone would want to be where you are now – having no appetite at all – you are a bulimic’s dream. You’ll be hitting 2 birds with one stone – make all of them guilty, and make yourself one hot chick. Make a resolution that you will lose weight in time for your friend’s wedding on Sunday – which is 10 days from now. You. Will. Have. A. Killer. Body. You’re not doing this only for yourself – you’re also helping the Dove Self-Esteem Fund for this. For all the women who’ve been hurt, stood up, pushed away. We will all heal, stand up, and be run after. Not by a truck, but by them. And one day, all we could tell them is – “Don’t.”
Don’t forget to text your ex from time to time that you still have no appetite. Don’t ever tell him you’re secretly trying to lose weight anyway. Start weighing yourself. Don’t try to take “before” photos just in case this whole losing weight resolution will fail. But make sure you’ll be the bomb on Self Esteem Day. Set it on a day where you should look your best – in this case, your friend’s wedding. Make sure everyone sees how hot you’ll be with your killer gown.
Before stretching from your bed try to make 30 crunches. You have to have rock solid abs. After 10 crunches, you remember you have scolio and a bad back. Try something else. When you go to your mom’s room you notice she’s got these killer dumbells. Do arm raises while simultaneously doing leg bends as well. After 2 sets of 5, remember that you’re not really eating anything right now and exercise will only kill you. You want the men to die, not kill yourself.
While in class you see your classmate’s big belly reaching her desk. This should scare you – you would never, ever, ever want to have a belly that big. While waiting for your ride home, ask your friends if they’d like to go to the school fair with you – by walking. Your classmates who’ve seen Ms. Big Belly’s big belly would only be eager to walk with you. When all of them eat Shawarma at the fair, don’t be a party pooper and buy some streetfood yourself.
Breakfast: 1 slice of wheat bread, 1 demitasse of Moreishi slimming coffee
Lunch: Sky Flakes
Dinner: Dingdong 5-in-1 mixed nuts and Fita bacon-flavored sandwich, and one stick isaw bituka
Current weight: 110 lbs.
Day 3, Feb. 17
By this time your below sea-level self esteem has reached the Philippine Deep. Your back-up wedding date is not replying to your texts and cannot be reached. Now you’re wondering if you need to find a back-up to your back-up date. Too bad, he’s the only one who will appreciate your almost-killing-yourself diet and if he will still be missing in action the coming days, you will actually kill him yourself. But hey, you’re a fairy-tale believer. There has to be really valid reasons why he wasn’t replying. He prolly lost his phone. Or no load.
The self-esteem culprits might be realizing you haven’t been going online for a while. Are you avoiding them? Let them think that way. Never mind if the real reason is that you just ran out of prepaid load. Try to watch your diet today, there’s a party at night.
Breakfast: None.
Lunch: Beef Straganoff, ½ rice.
Dinner: Kenny Rogers’ Chicken Inasal (no skin), and ½ rice. Never mind the server’s look when you asked for half rice at Kenny’s. He wouldn’t understand what you’re going through right now.
Day 4, Feb. 18
Take a good look at yourself at the mirror and ask why doesn’t anybody want you? Also take the time to practice your smile. Big wedding in a few days, you’re killing yourself by not eating, you’ll even find a pro to do you a makeover, you don’t want to ruin photos with your “tabingi” smile.
Invite a back-up to your back-up wedding date. You are going to look really good, there has to be at least one person to actually tell you, “Hey, you’re looking good.” There is no room for failure – no room to go stag. Someone has to be able to carry you home in case you faint throughout the ceremonies or reception. Tell him about this 10 day hunger strike you’re doing so he’d be encouraged to actually date you. At this point of desperation, it is okay to mislead the man.
If at this day another person who probably don’t know the loser you asks you out, don’t forget to say yes. Saying no will take away your chances of winning the Fighting Spirit Award. And the less self esteem you have right now, the better - this would make you achieve your 10-day starving goals. But of course, with a Marianas Trench self-esteem level, you do already know that the date will not push through. Somehow your predictions are always right. By this time you’ve mastered probability calculations and risk assessment.
Breakfast: Leftover Kenny’s (no skin)
Lunch: Leftover Kenny’s (no skin)
Dinner: ¼ slice chocolate cake
Day 5, Feb. 19
You realize by this time that your weight hasn’t changed since the last time you checked it (see notes on Day 2). Don’t despair, there’s still 5 days left. And the gown sucks in the stomach anyway. When all else fails, just remember to breathe in and never breathe out. Remember to have the same designer do your wedding gown.
If for some reason your date is still missing in action, try to pause and think for a while who among your exes could be jinxing you. Take a moment of silence and pray for them (Sana kunin na sila ni Lord). You do realize by this time that once stood up, you’ll always get stood up. So this means you have to have as many back ups possible that the probability ratio of being dateless on Self Esteem Day would be less than 50%. At this point you have to be sure that you are in good terms with everyone, including your brothers, who could probably be your date.
Breakfast: ¼ slice cake
Lunch: Mangoes and white cheese
Dinner: Laing
Current weight: 110 lbs.
(To be continued…)
