Jedi
We had lunch at Antonio’s last Tuesday. Yum! It was pure indulgence. I figured it’s a perfect proposal date-place. In the middle of a garden, in a big ancestral house, with sumptuous food. Although on a budget, Uno would do (which will be forever my eating sanctuary).
Anyway my friends were laughing when I was telling them I felt like a Jedi.
"A Jedi should not know anger.
"Nor Hatred.
"Nor Love."
I’ll be leaving in September, and I guess I shouldn’t be seeing anyone till then. I’ll be gone for two years. I’m not allowed to fall in love. I feel that I’ll have the next three years concentrating on school and my life, and am not supposed to be in a relationship because I’ll be far from home.
I am beginning to dislike the person I’ve turned out to be. I’ve always been this hopeless romantic, believing that I would find perfect, eternal love one day. But recently I see myself as my friends’ reality checker, giving them practical advice, secretly wanting to shake them and headbutt them for staying in their own relationships when I feel that the men they stay with don’t deserve them at all.
But I’m seeing the bigger picture since I’ve also been young and in love and would know where they’re coming from. I did move mountains before when I was in love. But those times I was glad I had a few friends who told me to let go. I hope my love struck friends would also be appreciative one day when we advise them to let go. On the other hand, don’t they have it better than me because they’re in love? In the end, even if sanity and rationalism tells me to tell them to let go, I just find myself telling them instead to…
"Love like it’s never going to hurt."
I guess when we die, the people visiting us don’t really ask, "Was she sane?," "Was she rational?" but rather, "Did she have passion?"
It hurts to know that I’ll be single for the next three years, that I’ll have to be in a foreign country alone. It makes life so routinary. A guy friend was shocked when I told him that I could see myself being alone for the rest of my life. When I was a kid I couldn’t understand why some people would opt for single blessedness. I guess it’s because some people find hope in waiting.
You just have to believe.
