It’s not brave if you’re not scared and school issues
La Salle called last night informing me that enrolment is this morning and that classes start on Monday. Damn. I have plans the whole day today and how do I produce 40gran in an hour? I didn’t even know I passed!
This is really a big thing for me because even if my heart was never in law school, even after 4 years, at the back of my head my mind still keeps on racing on whether I should take up law or not. And now - well, here it is (plus the fact that finally - I will now be an Archer instead of a mere Parrot).
But somehow, it still doesn’t feel right. If I enrol this instant and I decide on not pursuing law, that’s a whopping 40gran down the drain. Of course I could always consider a scholarship in place, but what if better opportunities come my way? I’m already set to leave for France on September, if only my heart and mind is ready. In the meantime, if come September and the reality that I am scared as hell to be alone sinks in, would I regret giving up La Salle?
Yesterday I came from my Kumpare’s condo and didn’t know what jeep to ride going to Edsa. I think Joms particularly instructed me to go down at the next street but I guess I didn’t hear him right - so I just went down at the terminal - in Cubao. Anyway to cut the long story short - I got lost, I didn’t know where to go, and there was an awful noise at Cubao - which I reconciled to be gunshots since people were running everywhere and people were shouting. And I saw a group of men run after another group of men, both totting guns. I was wondering who among them were the good guys and who were the bad guys.
It’s things like these that make me scared of being - o u t t h e r e. I know this sounds so weak and pathetic but I’m scared as hell to be alone. I remember going to the US when I was in college and I was crying everynight because I missed my parents dearly. And I was only away for a month!
I still have an hour to decide. Maybe I should be taking a bath by now. At another angle maybe it would have been better if I got married early and I wouldn’t have options anymore. I guess this is the consequence of being single and blessed (?) 
On the other hand, I wouldn’t need to be brave if I was in a relationship - I’d have someone to be weak with. Now I have no choice to be brave, and to make decisions on my own (my dad just told me - you have to be the one to decide this time, you’re the one on the frontline).
And yeah, I still have the whole year to consider going to La Salle. That means if I let this pass I could still enrol next trimester or the following trimester. After that though, I don’t think they’re taking me in anymore, considering that they really considered it to be HELL stupid on my part to apply to the program when I already have my mba (hey, I said I was militaristic about the whole thing - "Act now, explain later"). But to hell with La Salle, I have Ateneo to come back for (a blue eagle is always better than a parrot).
I could go to La Salle this morning and check if I’m qualified for scholarship. Or would it be better if I didn’t know? I reconciled I could always take up law later or next semester even if I get delayed. France on the other hand, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Law is continuing, and there’s always Ateneo to apply for next year.
I’m also thinking, this is La Salle’s newest program. No one has graduated yet, and only in 2008 or 2009 will we know if their students can pass the bar. I guess it’s also "sayang" if I toil for 3-5 years only to find out that La Salle’s law program is not qualified to pass the bar.
As my friend Yina said, "a lot of times you have to give up on your dreams so that the other ones can come true."
