Kinky Baler

My brother bought Jellyace - in Halo-halo flavor. A million gelatin flavors in the world, how could anyone come up with Halo-halo? There’s strawberry, there’s cherry, there’s pineapple, the classier brands even have chocolate or oreo (buti pa ang Jell-o!). Now I’m stuck with ube, macapuno, leche flan, sago, beans, etc. (Ube! Who would even want to try ube-flavored Jellyace?) Trust it to my brother to have bad taste in trying out new food products.

But I must say the kaong flavor (in red) was good. But I’d go for the normal orange anytime.

It’s such a hassle to be addicted to a Koreanovela. Now I don’t even make plans on week nights for fear of missing my favorite soap operas. This all started when I finished post-grad and I had nothing else to do. On the other hand, I don’t really have anywhere to go to on week nights, so thank God for "All About Eve."

But really now. Chinggay and I agreed that although we’re open to the possibility of not marrying at all, the worst part of being single is wanting to go out on Friday nights but (eventually) with no one to go out with, especially when the rest of the world has "coupled up."

I must say Telenovelas are God’s gift to spinsters.

Oh speaking of spinsters and lonely people, I got this from One Tree Hill:

LUCAS: Tennessee Williams once wrote…When so many are lonely…or seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish…to be lonely alone.

Here’s An Oost by the way. Okay, take note of the hair. Not the panties. I went to the salon, bright eyed, carrying this lovely photo telling the stylist to make me look like her.

I ended up looking like Erica of Daimos. Well at least I achieved her durugista look, something I associate with artists, that’s why I wanted the cut so bad (yes, I felt it was an artsy/rocksy/ultra-moderne cut).

Bakit ba? How many decent self-portraits can you get? I just saw this Sunsilk ad for fast-growing hair. Must. Buy. Soon. Will schedule the next blind date in two months - when my bangs are pantay already.

Whoever said "If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it," deserves more credit than Einstein. To hell with the theory of relativity, the theory of fix should be everyone’s universal truth.

A truth I refused to believe this afternoon, when I had a two-day urge to have my hair cut. And boy was it ugly. I tried downloading the perfect hair for two-days, googling An Oost (whom none of my friends have heard of) here and there.

Instead of looking like an artist with an ultra-modern cut, I ended up looking like Erica of Daimos. Too modern I looked like an Anime.

I wanna cry again.

Hehehe. Two weeks to go! The best things happen on my birthday. I hope this year’s would be great.

Being currently unemployed means being at the mercy of your mother and your own guilt. To save me from these two, I ran some errands (actually just one errand) early in the afternoon and spent the rest of the day at the mall. I guess staying at home is a concrete manifestation to my mother that I am not doing anything at all and "You are just wasting your life."

Mall was on sale. For someone who has only a little money to survive her till August, that is quite a difficult problem. Was craving for dessert and hot choco, and ended up spending more than planned. Being dateless, I opted to sit at the back of the cafe facing the doorless doors. Strategic location actually, was able to see all shoppers who opted to pass the area. I never realized there were a lot of interesting people who shop at the mall. One woman probably forgot that she was wearing only her bra, either that or her Lavandera had overshrunk her shirt. Another guy seemed like he came out of a matix movie. A couple seemed like they never left the 50’s. Some former officemates of mine went inside the cafe. If you’ve ever experienced eating out alone, you would know how awkward it feels like to have some people you know see you eating alone. I hope my hair was able to hide me. The rest of the time I pretended I was busy texting, when I was just playing rally games. I wanted to vanish.

Another couple went in. It was a butch and her (his?) girlfriend, which I had yet to find out if she’s a straight girl or a transvestite. Butch was bald, had a big muscular body and was wearing khaki shorts. So if a lesbian-gay couple goes out, who’s paying?

Anyway I ended up buying two vintage blouses which was NOT GOOD AT ALL. I’ve often complained to my friends that I have a lot (and I really mean a LOT) of clothes which I haven’t even worn yet for lack of an occasion. It was a good thing I had a shoot a few weeks ago and I was able to wear some of them. But does that count? I now have negative money to survive me till August.

It was friggin’ raining outside and I was to take the train going home. At least it saves me the hassle of passing through wet puddles. Train was jampacked, decided to take the train going the opposite direction so I could get a seat and just take the same train going back. But I was so absent-minded I took the RIGHT train.

Train was semi-packed. It wasn’t too full - it was easy for me reach the center without bumping on anyone. I’ve told a lot of my friends that my eternal pet peeve is seeing able-bodied men sitting on the train’s benches amidst a crowd of women standing up. It seemed so - wrong. I always make a mental note that should any of these guys one day bump into me and decide to court me - they don’t stand a chance. Haven’t women survived several centuries of oppression and indignation, being the weaker sex? History provided us of our menial consolations! And that includes a train seat.

There were three men seated in front of me, all pretending to be asleep. What a great way to be oblivious to women standing up. Tired bearded guy was seated directly infront of me, am remembering his face clearly in case in the future we do meet and he decides to court me. Not a chance. He was only carrying an envelope - HA! I was carrying a big bag! All the more reasons he should stand up and let me sit. Men, no matter how tired they are, should always offer their seat to women, it’s just the right thing to do. We all had a bad day anyway, but we women have it worse - we carry bigger bags, we usually come from uncontrolled shopping sprees, and we wear higher heels.

While standing and finally having memorized the faces of men-who-shouldn’t-court-me-forever, because of utter boredom I scanned the rest of the people standing up. There was this lean guy wearing a green shirt with an Emily the Strange shoulder bag. What straight guy would wear Emily the Strange? Another man at the end corner of the train was staring at me. It’s bad to stare. I try to be nonchalant about his stares but still catch him staring at me. I look at him from the corners of my eyes and see him staring at me! On the other hand, what if he thinks I’m the one staring at him?

Tired Bearded Guy made kalabit and offered me his seat. Hehehehe.

Okay. So it was wrong of me to judge Tired Bearded Guy. When he was standing, I noticed how really stressed he looked like, and he wasn’t just carrying just an envelope, he also carried a lot of grocery. Okay, I am now dying of guilt again.

My eyes darted to Green Shirt Guy’s direction. He was lean and tall - really my type. And his Emily the Strange bag had some chains around it spelling the word L-O-V-E. He had perfectly torn jeans with knee holes, and he had knee-high striped socks covering his knees peaking from under the holes. He had black sneakers and his shirt was vintage-y with rhinestones. I’ve always liked lean men wearing baby tees. Oh, and he had these really cute robot pendants which I’ve been looking for - for a long time (I couldn’t afford the robot charms at Benetton). I was stopping myself on asking him where I could get the robot charms. He probably made them. He seemed like an artist, and I love artists. He couldn’t possibly be gay - He was wearing a trucker cap with rocker/rebel/vintage patches. Gays never wear trucker caps. Oh, and if he would court me - him I will say yes to.

My station now. Stood up, was directly at the back of Artist Guy. He was perfect for me, he was definitely taller, and I’ve always been a sucker for payat guys. Artist guy took out his wallet. It was a pink mini Roxy wallet with pastel stripes and pink hearts. I left the station with a broken heart.

Because my brother didn’t have time to bring me home, I had to go with him to the office and ask to be dropped at the mall instead. Initially going to the mall without any money, I ended up buying stuff which I swore I’d never buy. It’s ironic why they call shopping an addiction when it’s also a therapy in the first place. But then, all drugs are "therapeutic" anyway, aren’t they?

One thing I dislike most about myself is that I am OC. I went to a shop at the mall this afternoon and tried on a top. Then I tried different sizes and colors of the same top. The price was hell cheap, but somehow I felt that it wasn’t the "right time" to buy the top. So I left.

Then I came back, deciding to buy the top. Then I tried everything again. Then I felt that the merchandise in that store was magulo, might try another branch at the other end of the mall, where the clothes are more organized.

So I went to branch #2 and tried the tops again. They didn’t have the colors I wanted which were in branch #1. Plus I also realized that the fabric as too manipis. So I decided to try on a pair or culottes (pardon the mispelled French).

Luckily all the culottes were in one style, in one size, which was my size. They had two colors, I decided to go for the lighter one. Then I went to the rack, pulled out all of the same (particular) cullotes. I looked for one with the least damage. None had any. But the pair which I tried on, which fitted perfectly, had some thread sticking out. The next pair had no threads sticking out but had a teeny unsewn pocket corner. The third pair was perfect! No threads, no ugly corners. I ttied them on, but somehow I didn’t think the crease on my crotch were as perfect as the first one I tried on. So I tried culottes #1 again and decided to buy them, although a little disappointed that I’m going home with a pair with threads sticking out.

And because of that I wasn’t able to run my errands and I ended up going home late. All because I was too obsessive-compulsive. Yes, I’m one of the weird people who would try a pair of shoes or a shirt, afterwards decide on which to buy, and request the saleslady for "new merchandise." I’m also the girl who gets the baby cologne or cereal box from the insides of the shelves because I don’t want to get the ones infront because I want my stuff to be "untouched by customer hands."

Oh. And I’m the one who writes a love (or hurt) e-mail and rereads and revises them again and again before I send them. I’m the one who contemplates too hard on whether to put a smiley at the end of a text message or not, and spends as much time deciphering whether the text sender has his own reasons for including/excluding his own smileys as well. It’s funny why I’ve always ranted to my friends that I don’t have any spontaneous guy friends (whom I can abruptly invite to go out in case my girl friends aren’t available), when I’m the anti-thesis of spontaneity in the first place. Yes, I always need to be at the left side of anyone when walking, I always have to sit on a restaurant with my back against the sun, and I never go anywhere without a hanky. Oo. Alam ko. Tatanda akong dalaga. Dahil OC ako, naforesee ko na yon. At naka-plano na lahat sa buhay ko ngayon.

I think my life will be simpler if I had been less OC. As my dad keeps on saying, "People don’t really care." And yeah, I didn’t buy the top anymore.

We had lunch at Antonio’s last Tuesday. Yum! It was pure indulgence. I figured it’s a perfect proposal date-place. In the middle of a garden, in a big ancestral house, with sumptuous food. Although on a budget, Uno would do (which will be forever my eating sanctuary).

Anyway my friends were laughing when I was telling them I felt like a Jedi.

"A Jedi should not know anger.

"Nor Hatred.

"Nor Love."

I’ll be leaving in September, and I guess I shouldn’t be seeing anyone till then. I’ll be gone for two years. I’m not allowed to fall in love. I feel that I’ll have the next three years concentrating on school and my life, and am not supposed to be in a relationship because I’ll be far from home.

I am beginning to dislike the person I’ve turned out to be. I’ve always been this hopeless romantic, believing that I would find perfect, eternal love one day. But recently I see myself as my friends’ reality checker, giving them practical advice, secretly wanting to shake them and headbutt them for staying in their own relationships when I feel that the men they stay with don’t deserve them at all.

But I’m seeing the bigger picture since I’ve also been young and in love and would know where they’re coming from. I did move mountains before when I was in love. But those times I was glad I had a few friends who told me to let go. I hope my love struck friends would also be appreciative one day when we advise them to let go. On the other hand, don’t they have it better than me because they’re in love? In the end, even if sanity and rationalism tells me to tell them to let go, I just find myself telling them instead to…

"Love like it’s never going to hurt."

I guess when we die, the people visiting us don’t really ask, "Was she sane?," "Was she rational?" but rather, "Did she have passion?"

It hurts to know that I’ll be single for the next three years, that I’ll have to be in a foreign country alone. It makes life so routinary. A guy friend was shocked when I told him that I could see myself being alone for the rest of my life. When I was a kid I couldn’t understand why some people would opt for single blessedness. I guess it’s because some people find hope in waiting.

You just have to believe.

La Salle called last night informing me that enrolment is this morning and that classes start on Monday. Damn. I have plans the whole day today and how do I produce 40gran in an hour? I didn’t even know I passed!

This is really a big thing for me because even if my heart was never in law school, even after 4 years, at the back of my head my mind still keeps on racing on whether I should take up law or not. And now - well, here it is (plus the fact that finally - I will now be an Archer instead of a mere Parrot).

But somehow, it still doesn’t feel right. If I enrol this instant and I decide on not pursuing law, that’s a whopping 40gran down the drain. Of course I could always consider a scholarship in place, but what if better opportunities come my way? I’m already set to leave for France on September, if only my heart and mind is ready. In the meantime, if come September and the reality that I am scared as hell to be alone sinks in, would I regret giving up La Salle?

Yesterday I came from my Kumpare’s condo and didn’t know what jeep to ride going to Edsa. I think Joms particularly instructed me to go down at the next street but I guess I didn’t hear him right - so I just went down at the terminal - in Cubao. Anyway to cut the long story short - I got lost, I didn’t know where to go, and there was an awful noise at Cubao - which I reconciled to be gunshots since people were running everywhere and people were shouting. And I saw a group of men run after another group of men, both totting guns. I was wondering who among them were the good guys and who were the bad guys.

It’s things like these that make me scared of being - o u t   t h e r e. I know this sounds so weak and pathetic but I’m scared as hell to be alone. I remember going to the US when I was in college and I was crying everynight because I missed my parents dearly. And I was only away for a month!

I still have an hour to decide. Maybe I should be taking a bath by now. At another angle maybe it would have been better if I got married early and I wouldn’t have options anymore. I  guess this is the consequence of being single and blessed (?)

On the other hand, I wouldn’t need to be brave if I was in a relationship - I’d have someone to be weak with. Now I have no choice to be brave, and to make decisions on my own (my dad just told me - you have to be the one to decide this time, you’re the one on the frontline).

And yeah, I still have the whole year to consider going to La Salle. That means if I let this pass I could still enrol next trimester or the following trimester. After that though, I don’t think they’re taking me in anymore, considering that they really considered it to be HELL stupid on my part to apply to the program when I already have my mba (hey, I said I was militaristic about the whole thing - "Act now, explain later"). But to hell with La Salle, I have Ateneo to come back for (a blue eagle is always better than a parrot).

I could go to La Salle this morning and check if I’m qualified for scholarship. Or would it be better if I didn’t know? I reconciled I could always take up law later or next semester even if I get delayed. France on the other hand, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Law is continuing, and there’s always Ateneo to apply for next year.

I’m also thinking, this is La Salle’s newest program. No one has graduated yet, and only in 2008 or 2009 will we know if their students can pass the bar. I guess it’s also "sayang" if I toil for 3-5 years only to find out that La Salle’s law program is not qualified to pass the bar.

As my friend Yina said, "a lot of times you have to give up on your dreams so that the other ones can come true."

It’s 555am right now. I should make a wish!

I’m having these knots in my stomach lately. And I can’t even sleep at night. I guess I’ve been dealing with a lot of issues that I’ve resolved to avoid thinking about them at all.

Anyway must… not… think… about… them… (at… all).

It was Kevyn Lettau’s concert last night! With Lou Pardini! But I didn’t watch. I didn’t have a date. I guess if you’re already 24 and single - you need all the luck in the world to find a date.

What is it in the men that I meet lately that they want to go into relationships without even knowing the person all too well? Whatever happened to love, dating and courtship - a thesis my bestfriend Joyce and I made in high school which earned us a mark of 100%? The latest one on my list happened the other night - when a man I met just that day asked if I could be his girlfriend. When I said it’s too soon - his reply was, "Hindi na tayo bata. Wag na tayo maglaro." Funny, I’ve always thought that relationships that were rushed were all a game.

There should be a reason that I’m still single at 24 - I wanna be swept off my feet before I go plunging into another relationship. The first ones didn’t work. I want the next one to be the relationship that would never end.

Carrie said it best in SATC’s final episode - "I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love." Well I want the I-can’t-breathe-I-can’t-think-because-it’s-all-cheesy-and-this-is-so-right kind of love. The kind of love that forms a pleasant knot in your stomach. The butterflies Pacey feels everytime he looks at Joey.

What is it in men that each of them think he’s the only one you’re considering as a prospect? They should rather start to have this women-would-rather-live-alone-than-with-me attitude so that they’d take all necessary exercises to get the lady they love. Whatever happened to the notion that men do the chasing and women do the choosing? Probably Toffler was right in predicting that we’d go back to being village people - when cavemen would just get a club and bang their partner’s head. You-mine-now-go-hunt-and-gather-food.

My closest guy friend who is abroad has transformed from a career high of 50 e-mails a day to a career low of just one e-mail reply everytime I email him (which is about one e-mail in 2.5 weeks - one-liners too, mind you). So I resorted to sending just one-line emails as well, or probably I wouldn’t reply anymore. It’s final. I would never chase a man.

The Yoda enlightens broken hearts until they become unbroken. I’d like to think I am the Yoda of broken hearts. A lot of lives could have been saved if there had been at least one Yoda in every street.

Ciel sent me these really enlightening words of wisdom. I’ve already sent this to my dearest friends but another heart-breakee may learn from this.

Letting go doesn’t really mean getting over. It just means moving on. I wish I’ve read this when I was 16. I’ve never really seen "letting go" from a logical perspective. (Yes, there IS a logical perspective.) Believe me, a lot of times, letting go is the most rational thing to do. Mental patients would have long been cured had they learned to let go. (Think Cindy Kurleto in "Forever in My Heart." Better yet, think Sisa in "Noli.")

LET IT GO !!!

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said

that,

they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were

not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have

continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you.

And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let

them go.

And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that

their

part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s

part in

your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s

over.

Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the

tenth

spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful,

it’s

that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have

He’ll

give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop

begging

people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and

was

never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains …LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your

worth…LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you … LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge .. LET IT

GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction … LET IT

GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or

talents … LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude…LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better… LET IT

GO!!!

If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new

level  in Him… LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken

relationship….LET

IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help

themselves…LET IT GO!!!

If you’re feeling depressed and stressed …. LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling

yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you

need

to… LET IT GO!!!